I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize