Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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