Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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