it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
where are you?
Hypothermia
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
