turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
