i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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