A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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