2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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