Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
