Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
