Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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