my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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