I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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