I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
