I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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