i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
