R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
