Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
