you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
