Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
