her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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