You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
