I can text with my tongue
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
