So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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