Your mouth is God's brothel.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
