you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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