I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
