Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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