I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
