hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
