Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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