yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
