god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
