i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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