I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
