Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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