Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
