Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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