I haven't been this sober since birth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
