I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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