Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
