After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
