My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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