Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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