i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
