I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The air was thick with penises
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
