Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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