At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
