at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
