the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you traded sex for a burrito?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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