he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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