Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
