I wish my penis had an off switch
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
