Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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