at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
