cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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