I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
