he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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