I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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