we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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