So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
