considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
