i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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