it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
