I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Randomize
