tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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