I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
